hardboiled munchies

She was like the hamburger in a fast food restaurant commercial--all steaming hot with crisp lettuce and tomato, beaded with dew droplets and slapped between the two halves of a firm sesame seed bun--but I knew if I let her get too close, I'd wind up with nothing but heartburn and a bad case of the shits; she sat down and said her husband had fallen in with the wrong crowd, some grade A scum, and I reached into the top draw of my desk to grab my Saturday night special and my near-empty bottle of Tums.